It's 30 minutes past midnight and the room lingers of stale cigarette smoke as I take another drag.  The TV blares the sound of techno/remix into the early morning and another gulp of Golden Brau rolls down my throat.  As I stare out over the train yard in the reflection of the window I see the bar staring back at me with 2 young women bypassing the time with small chitchat and another trio of young Romanian men smoking their fags as they continue their drinking into the night.  Just 50 minutes before I was saying goodbye to the other 2 chords of this 3 chord strand as they take off for a few days to be together as a married couple. 

 I now find myself alone for a chance and it feels freeing.  No one to answer to, no one to share that I need to go to the WC one more time "Can you watch my stuff, please", no...it's independence.  I feel grateful and empowered to do what I want when I want and yet...I feel like there is more to it.  I feel this is only a season and to enjoy this singleness while it lasts and to grow in it.  But alas my heart knows there is more and yearns for more.  As much as I love this independence, I know I am also missing out on companionship.  This is no new feeling but one that has crept up more often than not.  Once again I fight to keep it at bay and to know this is only a season but my heart tends to wonder how much longer this season can last?

                I can't remember if I heard this story somewhere or if I made it up but this story keeps on playing in my head and I can't get it out so I figured the Lord is trying to get me to write it down. 

                A middle aged man takes a group of boys from the youth group to go camping one weekend.  It was the second day that he had planned on taking the boys on a little hike around the lake.  He had planned a whole lesson planned at a specific point where he knew the there was a rocky beach.  Once they arrived at the rocky beach, he told the boys to each grab a rock that was their rock and which best described them however they saw fit.  So the boys go about looking for the perfect rock.  Some grab big ones some, some grab small ones, some miscolored and some plain jane rocks.  He went around and had each boy explain why he had picked the specific rock that he had grabbed.  One by one each boy explained why they had grabbed theirs.  Many explanations were a bit superficial but at least he was making progress.  The boys who grabbed big rocks talked about how they didn't like being called "fat" and at the same time the kids who grabbed the little rocks didn't like being called "tiny" and so forth and so on walls were breaking down and he was making headway into the youth's lives. 

                After all the boys had finished he went on to explain that these rocks are not who they are.  He then goes on to say that Christ is our rock to which we stand and that all the rocks that these boys had grabbed were lies.  He told them that our enemy Satan whispers lies about who we are so that we beat ourselves up and never really become the person that God created us to become.  He then told each boy to take a few minutes for themselves and ask God to show who they are to Him and if they agreed that they had bought into the lies of the enemy to take a stance that day and throw their "rock" into the lake as a sign that they won't listen to that lie anymore.  So the boys spread out a little bit from one another and sat there quietly and after 10 minutes or so, one by one each boy was throwing his rock into the lake, all but one. 

                There had been one quiet kid who was relatively new to the group and kept pretty much to himself most of the time.  He had grabbed an average sized, plain jane rock.  Now this kid was on the outskirts of everyone else and the group was quietly waiting in their group for "Jimmy" to throw his rock in the water but it wasn't happening.  Now this man was starting to feel that something was wrong, so he hesitantly walks over to Jimmy and asks what the matter is.  Jimmy had a few tears on his cheeks.  Once again the man asks what the matter is.  Jimmy very sheepishly says "It's my rock" in almost a whisper.  The man is a bit confused and asked him to repeat what he had said.  He says in a bit louder voice, "It's my rock".  

                You see Jimmy had not only bought into the lie that he was average and there was nothing special about him but he had made the lie his property and had taken ownership of it.  That is what happens to lies if we don't rebuke them immediately and allow them to hang around us.  We get so used to having them around that we decide it would be better to take ownership of it rather than allow it to be there unwantedly.  Jimmy was a prisoner to this rock, to this lie and he couldn't bare to part with in thinking that it would literally take away a part of him if he got rid of it and that scared him to death.

                I believe there are people who walk around with handfuls of rocks and are scared to death to let go of these lies.  These lies have become their identity and that in itself is a lie.  The truth is that Christ is our identity.  He is our rock.  He is the only rock to which we cling to and find true life in Him.  I implore you as you have read this that if there is a tugging in your heart to take action, go out and pick up a few rocks and ask the Lord to reveal the lies in your life and then go near a body of water or field or literally anywhere  and one by one chuck those "rocks" as hard and as far as you can and in a loud voice declare your identity.  "I am the Lord and the Lord is mine, I will cling to the True Rock and none else.  Today I am free from the lies that have become my identity.  My identity is in Christ!!"

As many of you know, I am squad leading with C squad from January to mid May.  Thus far we had launch in Miami Florida, early January and from there we went to the Dominican Republic.  Chris and Holli, my other 2 squad leaders and I have spent the months together for the most part.  We had three teams in San Juan where we spent most of our time working with our main contact Miguel.  We would venture out with teams when time and opportunity allowed us.  We were fortunate that we got an opportunity to visit the other 4 teams that were scattered abroad in the DR.  We had 2 teams up in the mountains were we got a chance to experience village life in the mountains and taste some genuine authentic Dominican coffee grown, roasted and brewed in the mountains...delicious!!!!  The other 2 teams were in smaller town.  I would also note that last month there were all sorts of presidential campaigning going on and one of our teams happened to be in the town where Danilo, who is running for president is from.  While we got to visit that team, there was a huge street fest with all sorts of free food and music, in which Danilo's sister actually served us a plate full of rice and beans.  It was sad to leave the DR but am almost certain that it won't be my last time there.  I fell in love with the people and the ministry.  But alas we did make our way to the other side of the island...Haiti.

 This month, our whole squad of 45 people are in one location in Grand Goave, which is about 2 hours west of Port au Prince and located right on the beach.  We are working with Mission of Hope International in which they are currently constructing a new school/orphanage/church, to which has been a big project we have been working on.  One day in particular, we had to do a concrete pour that day because the next day the mixer was being taken away to another site and we didn't get started until 2pm and didn't finish until 10pm.  All together we poured 29 yards of concrete and that is between 40 some Americans pouring 15 and a group of 20 Haitians pouring the other 14.  We actually had a contest in which we started 45 mins earlier than them and were closer to our pour site and yet they still beat us and then helped us finish our pour.

                Thus far I have absolutely loved Squad leading.  It has been a completely different shift from doing the World Race.  Even though I am with the World Race, this is not WR 2.0, it is intentionally pouring into the team leaders and helping them out so that they can continue to pour into their teams and be effective and efficient as possible is sharing the gospel and loving people with the love of Christ.  This month has been a blessing to have everyone together and we have taken advantage of that with having time for just the leadership team to get away by themselves and even have had a few evenings of worship in which the Spirit of the Lord showed up and continued to minister to us.  I say all this with encouraging words but it certainly hasn't been a simple trip or been all peaches and cream.  We certainly have had our difficult times, with one person going home already due to having to have unexpected surgery. 

                We have a few more weeks here in Haiti and then leave the Caribbean area and head for eastern Europe to Romania and then Moldova.  After month 4, the three of us Squad leaders take off and leave C squad for the duration of their 11 month trip.  I am still in need of financial aid.  I have to raise 5200 for the hole 4 months and thus far through the help and prayers of all my supporters have raised 3200 and in need of another 2000 by the time I leave in mid May to come back home.  The Lord has been continually confirming my calling to squad leading and am blessed to be doing what I love doing...investing into the lives of others and doing behind the scene stuff so that others can do what they are called to do and sharing Christ with lost and least of these.  I ask for support both prayerfully more than anything else as we know that we are not fighting physical battles but more spiritual battles and am in need of people believing that the victory has won already and declaring that already for us.  But if you have the means and feel compelled please consider giving to my account and help me continue what I love doing. 

Some time this last year God gave me a vision showing me His GRACE.  I was sitting on top of an innertube out in the middle of the ocean.  It was like a birdseye view right over me starring straight down ontop of me but then it panned out and I kept getting smaller and smaller.  The ocean was calm and I was at ease, gently floating on this sea of Grace, as this was an illustration of how much grace He had for me.

                Well, earlier last month I was asking the Lord about going deeper and wanting more of Him.  He brought me back to the same vision as described from above.  Then I had the idea of something popping the inner tube and I as going to be left swimming.  But nothing popped it, and I waited and waited.  But then it occurred to me that I needed to make the decision myself to abandon the raft and dive

.

                With all my strength I shoved the raft away and started to dive...deeper and deeper.  I was thinking that as I dove deeper the weight around me would crush me but it wasn't.  But before long I realized that I was holding my breath as I kept diving deeper and deeper and for a brief moment fear came over me.  I wanted to dive deeper but my physical body was saying you can't you will surely die, you need to return to the surface for air and the security of open air.  But there was something inside of me asking me to breathe in deep.  As the pressure from inside of wanting air, I deeply wanted to breathe but couldn't get over the fact that if I breathed this in that I could die but on the other hand...perhaps...just perhaps the voice inside of me was right.  I just need to take in a big gulp and just maybe I developed a new way of breathing in this ocean of grace without me even realizing it or earning it.

                Lord Give me courage to breathe you in a new way and live in the deeper ocean of grace.  Give me strength to abandon the things that need abandoned.

So Yeah...I'm back in the states and have been for the last 6 weeks or so. I figured it was about time to make it blog official that I am home so this blog is about just that and what the last 6 weeks have looked like being "home". *Side Note* home is a relative term to me anymore. I arrived back in the states on Sept. 1^st early early in the morning, we actually flew into JFK in the afternoon but by the time I laid in my own bed it was early morning considering all the layovers and driving still. I spent a solid week and half in Indiana before heading down south. The first week was relaxing, weird, strange, and good all at the same time, adapting back to culture here in the states...some call it reverse culture shock. Now I think I am over it but every once in a great while something still gets me by surprise. 

                The next week and half I went down to Gainsville GA to go to AIMs Awakening Conference and Searchlight where I felt God's calling to make next stage of life having to be discipleship. I still don't know what that looks like exactly but the way I see it is that I need to find a mentor of some sorts, someone who can intentionally pour into me as I find others who I can intentionally pour into. I see discipleship as a continual receiving and giving, the more you receive the more you give. I think Jesus was a great example of this. He would slip off to do his priestly duties of receiving from His father, only to do and give away what He saw His father doing.

                After 3 weeks of being state side, I then started trekking up north to Greenville SC where I spent the year before the World Race. I have been here now for the last 2 ½ weeks fellowshipping with friends and sharing stories of God's faithfulness all the while still trying to process everything and see what the Lord has in store for me next. I am actually excited because during my time in GA, God asked me to go back out to the field again. So this coming January. I will be co-squad leading with Chris and Holli Scott for D Squad. We will spend 4 months pouring into the team leaders and the rest of the squad and serving them in logistics and teaching them how to listen to the voice of the spirit and to use their prophetic voices both for their own team and for the people they will be serving during this upcoming year. 

                This next Friday, I will take off once again and go back down to Gainsville for a few days of Squad leader training and then on the 16^th, a week from today I will get a chance to meet my squad for the first time. This is super exciting but at the same time there is a little bit of anxiety as this is a big role to fill and many things to keep straight and a lot of people to love on. I know without a shadow of doubt that the Lord is completely in this and that this is the next step in life that He has in store for me but it's scary stepping out in faith still. I'm excited to see as I step out in faith how the Lord will show up and reveal Himself and an even deeper since of intimacy will come about. Ask for prayers in the following: Pray for the continued traveling mercies as I still have many miles to travel the next few months. I ask for more wisdom and understanding and knowledge as how to co-lead this squad. I also ask for prayer for the finances as I have to raise near $6000 for squad leading, this includes me going out at the end of month 8 and 11 to revisit the squad on the field and speak words of encouragement to them and debrief with the individual teams as they continue to travel and meet a variety of challenges.